Many attribute the beginnings of Nintendo’s modern history to the success of the Nintendo Entertainment System and the worldwide popularity of Mario, but, as any sane, well-adjusted adult will tell you: this is just a baldfaced lie perpetrated by the video game Deep State. No, Nintendo’s success truly came about on July 21st, 2000, when the stars aligned and gave birth to our man in purple; our pink-nosed prince; our boisterous best boi Waluigi.
Those of the enlightened few understand that the world ended on December 31st, 1999, when Y2K destroyed our planet and plunged humanity into disarray. From its ashes rose Waluigi, who, of course, brought about not only a video game renaissance from his divine birth, but also a second chance for mankind.
As the spiritual leader of The Temple of Wah, I’ve been sickened at how little respect our savior has been given since Year Zero, when he descended from the sky inside an oversized, upturned brown shoe. His image has been relegated to Super Mario spin-offs like “Party” and “Kart,” while blasphemers like Mario and Luigi steal the spotlight.
Well, I’m proud to say that His day has finally come, and our Mustached Magnificence has — at last — received the highest honor of any deity: his very own cereal.
Nintendo Announces Waluigi Cereal pic.twitter.com/5o9WgmPcgw
— Hard Drive (@HardDriveMag) February 11, 2019
Satire site Hard Drive shared the above advertisement on their Twitter account, and just as Waluigi’s creation revitalized the dying video game industry, so will this mark a new era for cold breakfast cereal.
The box is shown to come filled with marshmallow pink noses and purple hats crafted in His Holy Likeness, as well as tears collected from His years of neglect — but mostly from his snubbing of a playable spot in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
Both tasteful and distasteful nudes are said to be included in the box, as well, for those with the constitution to handle His Glory and his glory in their purest, unadulterated forms.
Also filling the box are severed Luigi heads and various star-shaped puffs, including “butts with stars” pieces that appear to be (at least, when compared to my 9-foot-tall stained-glass image) perfect replicas of His Beaming Backside.
The box, like the similar yet unimpressive Mario cereal, also comes loaded with amiibo functionality — but apparently only works with dating simulation games. However, if you’re like me and have a Sims 4 save file with a self-insert character married to seven Waluigis, this shouldn’t be a problem.Leave a Comment