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The reveal of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate brought with it great joy and celebration, as every fighter in the illustrious series will be making their return. From those long-forgotten like Pichu to the highly requested like Wolf, one of the most adamantly fought for was Konami’s own Solid Snake, the legendary super soldier. And his return was one of the most widely venerated, with every corner of the internet chanting “Everyone is here!” in gleeful unison.

What fools we were.

For, upon closer inspection, it became evident that Snake’s butt — once a prime model for the human species to aspire to — had been reduced to that of a kale-munching beanpole. The people cried out; in anguish and fear they skittered about without direction or purpose. What was the point in Snake’s return if he now possessed the posterior of a bookstore sales clerk?

But one man heard the wails of humanity — the voice of the legendary spy himself, David Hayter, who tweeted in response to a post detailing the tragedy:


This validation from on high has only spurred the crusade, as the lamenters have moved to bring back the most immaculate rear-end gaming has ever seen.

Who is to blame for this vicious nerf? Did Sakurai think the world couldn’t handle it? Did Konami screw it up, like it usually does? Did Kojima’s absence mean it focused on other, less important things? Currently, only God knows. But until the day there is justice — until the day Snake once again possesses the derriere of an adonis — the people will fight. Because love can bloom on the battlefield.


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Written by Amelia Fruzzetti

A writer and Nintendo fan based in Seattle, Washington. When not working for NinWire, she can be found eating pasta, writing stories, and wondering about when Mother 3 is finally going to get an official localization.