Hey, so Mario Kart is trending on Twitter, and nationwide. I wonder what’s up? Did Nintendo announce more details about the mobile game? Or maybe an update for 8 Deluxe? Or… oh.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Alright, uh, how do we talk about this? There are children present. Ok… just give me a second.

So, a leader of one of the world’s most powerful nations — let’s call him “President Bowser” — entered into an illicit relationship with somebody — let’s call her “Lakitu.” Now, President Bowser is known for his hot wind and bluster, but his administration has been plagued by controversy, including these scandalous rendezvous. And Lakitu, now the focal point of media outlets everywhere, has compared Bowser’s… “Koopa Clown Car cannon” to ‘the mushroom character in Mario Kart.’

Now every part of that last paragraph was allegorical, except for that last phrase. She really did that. This is the world we live in. Real-life Bowser’s artillery is eliciting comparisons to poor, poor Toad. What did he do to deserve this? Were all those years of telling Mario that his princess was in another castle really worth such cruelty? And did we really need to know this information? I mean, sure it’s a little funny, but the act of thinking about it is far more sickening.

Ahem… while this new information will likely lead to no changes in executive power, it is sure to be the subject of many a late night talk show monologue for days to come. In the meantime, let us all pour one out for the fungi denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom, who will now forever be associated with grotesque and vulgar imagery.


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Written by Amelia Fruzzetti

A writer and Nintendo fan based in Seattle, Washington. When not working for NinWire, she can be found eating pasta, writing stories, and wondering about when Mother 3 is finally going to get an official localization.